A co-worker comes to you and says, “I have a big problem, my sales team is incompetent when it comes to cold calling. Last week I had to really push one of them to make a bigger effort when calling prospects, she just didn’t seem to care and I felt bad for pressing them.”
What do you do?
There are, of course, a number of different ways to handle this situation. However, there’s one thing I have noticed again and again hindering leader’s and manager’s team performance:
Working based on expectations, rather than creating agreements.
When I ask them “What agreements did you have in place with your team?”, most leaders reply with some version of “huh?”.
That’s because, unfortunately, it’s incredibly common to work and function based on having expectations of others and trying to meet others’ expectations of us.
It’s even in our language: “I expect you to try harder”; “They expect me to work longer hours”; “I expect myself to always win”.
The Problem with Expectations
Expectations rob the soul of the party, and in the workplace, it sucks the life out of anyone who tries to meet them.
Expecting something of others is like a silent demand, it implies that if they don’t do what you expect, your perception of them will be degraded and you will be frustrated, resentful or annoyed.
You may then go “sort that out” by confronting people and trying to make it very clear what you expect of them. However, since that good sense of connection you had with them will be lost, it becomes very difficult to have a healthy and productive conversation.
On the other hand, if people do what you expect of them, there’s nothing. No emotion. Nada.
Well, that’s because it was expected. It was their job after all. They “should” do it.
So there you go, as the business coach Steve Chandler says:
“That’s what expectations do for you. A life of swinging back and forth
between feeling disappointed and feeling nothing at all.”
Creating Agreements Instead
The difference with agreements is that they are consciously crafted between both parties, rather than being a series of unconscious reactions.
In the example above, the manager might well have said to their sales team “Sales calls are very important, do your best!”, but that does not make an agreement, that’s an expression of opinion and a cheer.
An agreement would look more like this:
Team, cold calling is one of the most important things you can do for this project. Can I count on each of you to make 20 calls a day and be very curious towards the person on the other side of the line by asking questions to try to understand what they value and what they need?
Bob: “I want to do that, but I feel uncomfortable calling people.”
Thank you for sharing that Bob, what can we do to make this possible for you?
Bob: “I am not sure, I feel like I need some guidance, I haven’t done many cold calls before.”
Susan: “What if I help you out with the first 40 calls by giving you feedback on each conversation?”
Bob: “That will be great! If I have Susan’s help, you can count on me to make these calls.”
Ok. That’s an agreement. I will also reach out to you in 3 weeks to check if you need anything else from us.
An agreement is always more effective because it is co-created into something that can be relied upon.
If an agreement is not being met, the conversation then is simply about co-creating a new agreement that works for everyone involved. It’s a neutral conversation about what works and what doesn’t, rather than an emotional turmoil of taking things personally, pointing fingers and resenting one another.
The Risk
There are, however, many things that one must give up in order to create agreements. We must give up:
- Being right
- Mindreading
- Blame, shame and guilt
- The need for things to go our way
- Making others wrong
- Power over others
These are the common reasons why many leaders won’t stop having expectations.
The act of co-creating agreements is by nature consensual and not always straightforward.
With agreements, you won’t always get a “yes ma’am/sir” from people. Sometimes your team may not care about doing what you want them to do and other times the agreement becomes something completely different than what you thought it would be.
This creative process of understanding, collaborating and finding solutions requires a certain level of engagement, care and commitment from both parties. But the work is worthwhile. Once an agreement is set in place, it’s a much stronger foundation to work from since people tend to give importance to their word and be someone to rely on.
I have put together a great workbook to help leaders, managers and co-workers create more effective professional relationships with those around them by processing and transforming reactive expectations into creative agreements.
Check it out and download it for free :
In addition to that, there’s an incredible audio I send to my private clients by the renowned business coach Steve Chandler that speaks exactly about this topic. I am happy to send it to you if you please contact me for it.
